Alright, I love a good bike ride as much as the next guy. I think those Tour de France racers are awesome. I'll do a 15 mile bike ride over a 2 mile run any day, and I've done stuff on my bike that makes my wife cringe in fear for my well-being.
Just wanted it to be clear where I'm coming from. With that said...
I have noticed over the years that certain bike riding people have caused mutations to their own bodies and minds. No, I'm not talking about soft-tissue injuries and broken bones...I'm talking widespread physical and mental changes and alterations. I call them the Mushroom-headed Spandex Mutants, or MSMs. In fact, I notice such a deviation from the normal Homo sapiens sapiens, that I'm even thinking of renaming them Homo sapiens spandexicus.
The mutations in these people are thought to be caused by the unique combination of spandex, car exhaust, human sweat, adrenaline and testosterone exacerbated by a few good falls to the pavement. Geneticists are still examining the genome, so we're not quite sure yet.
It isn't hard to view these species in their natural habitat. In fact, anyone who lives near mountains can spot them. Some notable characteristics:
- protective helmet permanently fused to the cranium, giving the MSM's head a distinct mushroom shape.
- brightly-colored spandex fused to the dermis, often replaced by outright shedding rather than the gradual sloughing of epidermis in Homo sapiens sapiens.
- blatant disregard for traffic laws and personal safety shown as they ride near the edge of a crumbling road as 55-80 mph traffic passes. This characteristic suggests a significant dampening of the normal human intellect, possibly due to spandex poisoning.
- spandex-enhanced androgeny that, along with the helmets, masks most secondary gender characteristics from cursory observation. Occasionally, tertiary gender characteristics are seen (pink spandex, for example), but they cannot be used as a reliable indicator of gender.
While solitaries are sometimes seen, they are usually pack creatures with a clear societal structure. The alpha individual is usually at the head of the pack on the trek uphill. While these colorful mutants can be seen just about anywhere there's a hill, I have personally seen them:
- the road around Crater Lake, a road characterized by a crumbling shoulder and high dropoffs
- riding along Hwy 22 in Oregon in the middle of smoke from the Black Butte fire
- Hwy 285 and just about every other dangerous narrow mountain road in central Colorado
- Interstate 90 @ Snoqualmie pass, despite Washington state laws restricting bike travel on the Interstate
Forget bird-watching...go check out your local MSMs!
Just be careful not to hit them with your car....
SHARE THE ROAD!
